A visit from ED

Well it’s time for me to tackle another “hard-hitting” story. It’s one of those topics that we can all relate to, whether we admit it or not. I’m talking, of course, about ED; also known as explosive diarrhea. First of all, what a great name, the adjective explosive just sounds exciting…and terrifying. It’s like there is a little bomb made of watery shit, ready to go off at any minute. Except, don’t expect Kiefer Sutherland to swoop in and cut the blue wire at the last minute, this baby is set to detonate whether you like it or not. Really, that’s the thing about ED that makes him so dangerous. No matter your will power, or how badly you want to make it to the toilet, if he’s ready you are powerless. There’s that cold sweat you get, your mind is focused like you’re getting ready to throw strike three to win the World Series. Yet in spite of this determination, this desire, this you vs. him battle to the death, he always wins. Even the most Herculean sphincter can only prolong the inevitable fury of ED. While I’ve not lost a battle to date, I’ve certainly had my close calls. Afterward, I feel like a first time mother in the delivery room must feel. I’m sweaty, relieved, a little tired, and honestly I think there is some sick touch of euphoria and pride in there somewhere.
However, let’s really be honest here, ED is no average malady. ED is a ruthless, conniving, and above all genius of a thing. Seldom are you sitting on the sofa with the toilet only steps away when ED comes. No my friends, ED is found in places like a long road trip, on the subway, and during a standardized test to determine your collegiate future. These I know from experience. Other places I can only assume that ED lurks are during a scuba diving expedition, an Oscar acceptance speech, and at the bottom of a mine shaft. However, ED’s evil genius doesn’t stop there. He operates like an upstart boxer who just wants it more than the champ. Little jabs at first: “Hey buddy, I’m here and I’m coming.” Then more direct blows: “Thought I was going away? Nope, I’m getting stronger.” Finally, the barrage of punches where only one will remain standing: “Take that! I own you! I’m better than you!” ED is uncanny how he can dominate you physically while taking away all of your senses. You can’t hear anything, you can’t carry on a conversation, you can’t even think, and any distraction will undoubtedly leave you with your Jockey’s full of chili. However, ED does have a weakness: he comes in waves. It’s those down moments, where he rescinds into some evil rectal lair that even give you the slightest chance. It’s like you’re playing Green-Light-Go at the skating rink, only ED is calling out “Red-Light-Stop!” instead of the aspiring DJ in the corner of the rink. Once ED is there, on the cusp, you have to stop. Any bit of energy directed at another muscle will sure result in horror.
If all of these things aren’t enough, ED knows. He knows when the toilet is near. He understands that you are close to victory, that he only has so much time at this point. He knows you would take a shit in a wooden bucket with a nest of baby birds inside right now…and he starts to push – hard. I once almost wrecked my car into a gas station by leaving it on, in gear, and letting the clutch out while jumping out to use the (worst) bathroom (ever). Once that porcelain promise land is in sight it’s over. There is no more holding it, just hope you aren’t wearing coveralls with a corset and chastity belt underneath (umm, not that I ever wear that or anything…oh no, I’ve said too much again). The pants never make it down past mid-thigh, checking for anything on the seat isn’t an option, and forget about a protective paper ring. You’re only thankful that you have something under your ass other than your clothing or the ground.
ED, while a worthy competitor, is generally gracious enough in defeat to stay away for a while. A while, though, is the key. He will be back, at the worst possible time of course. So remember these three things about ED and know them to be true: he won’t be forgiving, he won’t be expected, and most of all, he won’t be solid.