Behind The Scenes at a Porno Shoot

So what goes on in a typical day at the porno shoot, besides the obvious? Is it laid back (no pun intended), hectic, regimented, off-the-cuff, or what? I think any one of these styles seems pretty funny. Imagine what it would be like at a porno shoot if everything was scheduled to the minute. Inevitably there would be foul-ups, last minute changes, improvisation etc. To me this all seems hilarious to envision:

Two or three guys are sitting around a table in robes playing cards sipping some coffee. In rushes a director:

Director: “T.T. Boi! J.D. (Jon Dough) just went down with a tweaked hammy. He’ll never be able to double-team Angel with Peter North in that shape. I need you to have a boner ready in 3 minutes! Can you do it?

T.T. Boi (wavering): “I…I don’t know. I mean I just got done filming with Cinnamon on the stable set, I’m pretty spent.”

Director: “Dammit T.T. Boi! You’re supposed to be a professional, act like it! Now get your ass over to wardrobe and get a fireman’s jacket on.

T.T. Boi: “The fireman’s jacket is too damn small! I just can’t fit in it anymore. The only thing here that fits are the ass-less chaps.”

Director (defeated): “This has to work, it just has to.”

T.T. Boi: “It’s porno, (placing his hand on the director’s shoulder and looking down at his now erect penis) we’ll make it work.”

Director: (speechless, a single tear rolls down his cheek).

I love this idea. Think about how many completely serious conversations revolve around topics that are absolutely taboo for most people to talk about. Furthermore, there are probably situations that are completely disgusting that happen so routinely at a porno shoot that there are names for them within that industry. Example: “Coughing Flour” Definition: By the 4th or 5th scene for a male actor in a porno shoot he is completely out of “ammo” to the point where he ejaculates and only a small cloud of flour poofs out accompanied by the sound of a gasping cough. Context: “Man, by the last day of shooting “The Golden PlumpAss” I was coughing flour.”

Doggie Play Dates

This little event right here is high on my list of ridiculous shit. People who, may or may not, like one another setting up meetings for their dogs to “play”. Give me a small break please. First of all the dogs aren’t nearly as smart as people give them credit for. It isn’t like they really remember the other dog, or what a great time they had the last time they played together. What do people think goes through the dogs heads?

Owner: C’mon boy! I’m taking you to play over in Shep’s yard! Do you remember Shep? Yes you do. Yes you do. Yes you do remember Shep. You’re such a smart dog, of course you remember Shep.

Dog: Shep? Fuck yeah I remember him! Cool son of a bitch, that Shep. Last time he told me this story about him, a collie, and a 3-legged min-pin…funniest shit I ever heard.

Realistically, the dog has no idea what you’re talking about. He just likes the jingle of car keys. Once you do get the dogs together it’s a battle of ass-sniffing supremacy. Each dog dances around the other, jockeying for a front row seat at the Turd Buffet. Rather than dragging the dog out of the house, why don’t people just go eat some greasy Mexican food, let it go to work, and then toss their underwear in the doghouse? That way everybody wins.

Mayo v. Miracle Whip

Why is it that restaurants insist on arbitrarily substituting Miracle Whip for mayonnaise. Why is it that when you order a sandwich with mayonnaise on it that the employees at whatever restaurant you are at feel it is perfectly acceptable to substitute that request, without asking of course, for whatever product they have laying around that might resemble what you actually asked for? And why is it only done with the mayo/miracle whip relationship? You never order a sandwich with ketchup and get some marinara sauce on it, what the fuck? While I’m on it, who named this shit miracle whip? Ummm, I think the boys over at product development may have overshot it a touch with “miracle”. I picture a couple of scientists coming out of a lab with this crap when they first came up with it:


“Try this boss”, (tastes a finger full),“Damn.” (another finger) “Damn! This shit takes like Jesus himself made it. Not only made it, but created it out of thin air to finish off some divine ham salad. You know what it is? It’s a fucking miracle! That’s what it is.”

Honestly, a miracle is like if you put it on your sandwich and your sandwich shits a diamond on your plate. Now that product, I would try.

Inaugural Runs

So this is my first post of what will likely be a steady stream of my thoughts and ramblings, for a few days. Then it will become weekly, monthly, and so on until I taper off and post something new once every decade or so. Basically what I envision in creating this is a place to post my thoughts, some of them funny (I hope), some of them angry (I know), and just general garbage from my head. So my friends, I hope that you all enjoy this and, if I'm lucky, you'll look forward to reading this as often as I update. So sit back and soak in The Blanco Amigo, more posts are to follow.