Fat Kids

Nothing I see makes me happier than seeing a grossly overweight child. I’m not talking about a chubby baby, I’m talking about an obese toddler to teen. These plump little rascals really bring a smile to my face. I also really enjoy the parents that waddle along behind them shouting empty promises of punishment for whatever mischief the portly lad or lass might be into. I like to imagine the home life of these kids. I envision two liter Dr. Thunder bottles, emptied into 164 oz. thermal Texaco mugs, littered about next to brown and gold sofas. Li’l tubby sits on his can watching his choice of 974 channels, while the miles on the microwave pile up from thousands of frozen chicken nuggets, tater tots, and corn dogs rolling out onto ketchup smeared plates. “Don’t get any dippin’ sauce on your transformer jammies, you’ve got to wear ‘em all week!”, a loving mother shouts from only a few feet away. Of course the occasional day of school, trip to wal-mart, or local fair all have the ability to separate these rotund youths from their generous ass-grooves they spend countless hours working into their sofas. A greasy NASCAR hat likely caps the pyramid that is the line from shoulder to crown. Often a tank-top provides the cool breeze needed to maintain a life sustaining temperature for these cute little overheated scamps. Various toys litter the yard, each played with once and then discarded by the child upon learning there were no snacks inside, and that the toys themselves weren’t edible. Perhaps for a couple of months, the boy might squeeze into an overmatched scouts uniform and attempt to assimilate with his slender peers. However, after learning that there are no Sonic’s near the campground, nor badges to be earned for pie eating or buttering stuff, interest wanes and the lad retreats to his own oasis in front of cable TV.
Damn, I really love fat kids.

Prescription Dogfood

I have a miniature dachshund. All in all she is a pretty good dog, although she is a bit mischievous when heads are turned. Sadly, she was one of the many besieged by the great dog food poisoning of 2007. The good news however was that her little 12 pound body pulled through the whole thing. In the process she was diagnosed with acute renal failure, which is what ended up killing all of the dogs less fortunate than mine. Since there is no real way to measure the amount of permanent damage sustained, the strategy is to play things safe from here on out. While we have no idea how this will impact the rest of her life, she is currently required to eat a prescription dog food, designed for animals with poor kidney function. The thing about this that I just don’t get is you actually have to have a written prescription for this stuff. You can’t just buy it at a pet store, it comes from a vet with a written script. I guess what I don’t understand is why it is so important for this food to stay out of the hands of those without a prescription.

Scraggly teen 1: "Dude, my parents are out of town and I just scored a whole shitload of prescription Alpo. Let’s get fucked up!"

Scraggly teen 2: "Oh my god, I heard about this dude who ate like 4 cans of that stuff, his parents came home and he was pooping in the kitchen sink and didn’t know his name."

Scraggly teen 1: "I know, my cousin's friend totally knows that dude. He said it's pretty good stuff."

Obviously, this isn't really the reason but rather that the prescription is for the safety of the dog itself. Still, it doesn’t make a ton of sense. First of all, if you were truly sick enough to want to do harm to your pet, feeding it an expensive dog food probably wouldn’t be your first choice. Feeding it nothing seems a lot less expensive and equally effective. Maybe I’m completely dense about this, but I just can’t see the point. I can understand needing a vet’s recommendation initially. I certainly wouldn’t have known which type to get. But after that initial advice, couldn’t the person just pick it up on their own? I don’t know. I do know this however, it makes it a colossal pain in my ass to buy food for my dog. That's why when she whines at her food dish, I just burn her paw with a lighter until she quits begging (Yo, PETA, I'm totally kidding, I would never do that...I use matches). This is really just a small gripe of mine, but it doesn’t make a ton of sense to me.

Boner Pills

Well it’s time to address a commercial set that essentially defines the perceived intellect (see: idiot) of the average American television viewer. I’m talking about the ads for Viagra (I’ll get to this one in a minute) and Cialis specifically. I’m not sure who writes these, but I’m quite sure that they are only slightly more intelligent than whoever green-lights them into production. The Cialis ad is really incomprehensible. So you’re appealing to a group of (presumably) middle aged men who are (again, presumably) embarrassed about the fact that they can no longer achieve an erection. What way could they ease that embarrassment, and promote a product that can possibly improve their quality of life? I think that the best way is to portray something relatable. Something without too much “sex” in it, something that is palatable, even tasteful to viewers of all ages. How about we have an older couple (but not too old), in separate bathtubs with requisite porno-esque sound track, and no evidence of plumbing present, in a meadow overlooking a canyon? Wow. First of all, who in the hell is going to carry out buckets of water to the tubs out there. Second there is really no way to maintain a decent temperature in that water, so right there the mood is set with an icy bath. Third, how is a separate bath supposed to enhance the mood? Isn’t this how the overwhelming majority of baths are taken? Ah, but not outdoors next to each other (ding ding ding). Also, isn't the outdoor semi-public sex a bit kinky for the first go at it? Why not dip the toe in the pool first, and just try it in the bedroom? Next, what exactly is the fellow supposed to do when the Cialis kicks in? I mean, if he were adult film-industry worthy it’s possible (however extremely improbable) that he could throw it over into her tub like an anchor off of a sailboat. But, that would only work pre-Cialis, so it’s really a catch-22. Also, aren’t most people who have old bath tubs sitting in their yard expected to be missing most of their teeth and living in a home with wheels under it?
Or, briefly, how about where they are getting ready to test the efficacy of the Cialis only to have the kitchen sink break just as things are heating up? In reality, this couple has likely been married for some time, and a broken sink would just piss them off, possibly even result in a serious argument. Whatever, it’s unlikely that a quick trip to the toolbox would merely be a formality in their evening of passionate love-making.
Next is the granddaddy of them all. The Viva Viagra ads, these are truly classics. Every time one of these airs an imaginary Improbability Meter explodes. Let’s just set the scene for those who are unfamiliar. It’s a group of 50-somethings sitting around in a “jam” session, or possibly rehearsal for the band they comprise. In the middle of a “take-five” one of them quiets the room to start up a little something he’s been working on. This song is Viva Viagra, to the tune of the Elvis Presley hit about Las Vegas. Never mind that this is not Weird Al’s band, the other fellows love the idea. So much so, that they all immediately join in with a raucous impromptu jam about the fact that not one of them in the room can effectively procreate without a pharmaceutical intervention. I absolutely think this concept is through the roof on so many levels. I liken it to the pleasure I get from watch a scene acted by David Caruso (see below). Isn’t it likely that at minimum half of the guys there would start puffing their chests out with the ‘I’m still a man talk’? “I don’t know about you Marty, but I don’t need that shit. Believe me, Helen’s waitin’ for me to drill her at home right now.” “Yeah, I’m with Ted. While you’re at it Marty why don’t you write one called I Can’t Help Failing in Love and then we can change our band name to The Softdicks” (high fives exchanged). For all of you who love this as much as I do, I have a real treat for you. I was able, through one of my many connections, to obtain the full set of lyrics for this song. Enjoy.

Great big titties gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire.
I’d love to boink you like I’m 25
But my tip won’t move much higher
There’s a thousand pretty women waitin’ out there
But I can only flop it on their pubic hair
So Viva Viagra, Viva Viagra

How I wish I could get it up
For the piece of tail right here
But I’m about as firm as a piece of taffy
After drinking a case of beer
I’d like to have it get as hard as a rock
But instead it looks like an old sweat sock
So Viva Viagra, Viva Viagra

Viva, Viva, Viagra!

Writer's Note

Well friends, as I predicted in my very first post. I trickled down and eventually just quit writing these things. It's sad how predictable I am. However, I was recently inspired to start coming up with some new stuff. I know some of you still check this regularly (which is amazing actually given how little I've been posting), and I also know that it sucks to get on to read someone's blog and find that nothing new is on there. So, I'm not making any guarantees but I will try to start posting again with some regularity. There is a new one below this, I hope you enjoy it. I will try not to be such a slacker on this thing. Thanks for checking this, and hopefully new posts will be more plentiful henceforth. As always, your feedback (good or bad) is welcome. Peace.

David Caruso

How about David Caruso? Greatest actor of our time? I think he certainly needs to be in the discussion. Few, if any actors give a performance that is as consistently entertaining as he does. Not for his dramatic takes on life, but for the fact that he can turn a double homicide into the funniest thing on television. Is there anyone on television more consistently funny? It’s like he stuck with his shit acting method so long that, he crossed over from unwatchable to hilarious. He is also the king of fantastic little word-plays that are somehow both predictable and head scratching at the same time, it’s unprecedented really. Let’s just plug David Caruso into some situations other than CSI and see what kind of fun we can have, shall we?

David Caruso in a tampon commercial:

Caruso walks in coolly: What seems to be the trouble here?
Panicky woman: It’s…it’s my vagina…it’s got a really, really heavy flow.
Caruso, kneeling down for some reason: So you’re telling me the flow is… (looks up at woman) heavy?
Woman (trembling): So, so heavy.
Caruso (pulls out a tampon): This is one river… (pulls off sunglasses slowly), that’s about to run dry.
And…Scene!

David Caruso in a condom commercial:

Caruso, again, walks in coolly: What seems to be the trouble here?
Panicky young man: It’s…it’s my boner…I really want to do it, but that vagina…it…it looks…homeless.
Caruso, kneeling down for some reason: So you’re telling me that you just walked in here, saw that thing and said... (looks up at young man) ‘I'm going balls deep'?
Young man: I mean, I guess so.
Caruso (pulls out a condom): This is one pig… (pulls off sunglasses slowly), that’s going in a blanket.
And…Scene!

David Caruso in a cheap-vodka commercial:

Can Caruso walk in any way but coolly: What seems to be the trouble here?
Panicky middle aged man: I’m out of booze man. I’m starting to hallucinate, I got no money…I’m screwed!
Caruso, in need of some knee pads now: So you’re telling me you’re sober... (looks up at man) and you want that to change?
Middle aged man: Yes! Yes, all I want is to pound some booze.
Caruso (pulls out a fifth of vodka): This is one face… (pulls off sunglasses slowly), that’s about to get shit.

Seriously, there is an unlimited supply of these. In fact, I may do a follow up column at some point. He’s just great comedy. Tune in to an episode of CSI Miami sometime, it’s worth your while. Yes, it’s predictable and incredibly formulaic but Caruso is definitely worth the price of admission.