Easy Steps to a Bitchin’ Life
1. Get a Trans Am. In a pinch a Camaro will do, but something about a giant eagle on the hood of Trans Am really gets th
e blood pumping.
2. If you don’t have the dough for one that’s already cherry, get a fixer upper. The fixer uppers can be spotted in the classifieds with the following descriptions: “Body Rough”, “Great Teen Car”, and the ever popular “Runs”. Which is really all that you need, one that runs. After all, it’s tough to cruise if your car doesn’t run.
3. If you do decide to get a fixer upper, don’t be slowed down by waiting until you’ve got it just like you want it. It’s perfectly acceptable to cruise a work in progress. You might be asking, “Hey bro, I’ve only got a primer coat on my Trans Am and I don’t have the money to get it painted yet, how can I cruise like this?” Never fear my empty pocketed little man. A primer coat is just fine. Just let the ladies know that you’ve got some limited edition race car paint on back order.
4. Stereo, stereo, stereo. Louder = Better and remember, bass is just two letters away from being badass so get some sweet subs.
5. Now to complement that stereo, a music collection is necessary. The Top Gun soundtrack is a good starter album. It gets the hair on your neck to stand up with Highway to the Danger Zone, yet flows seamlessly into Take My Breath Away which is what you’ll be hearing from all of the women who are lucky enough to ride with you.
6. Another key point to remember is that under no circumstances are the front seats that came in your ride acceptable. Custom seats are generally out of the question so seat covers are the next order of business. Lamb’s wool offers comfort and a touch of class, but in my opinion a spandex animal print really says you are the king of the road.
7. In sticking with the earlier mention that louder is indeed better. A custom muffler is the next order of business. These little babies wear two hats; they sound awesome and look pretty sweet too. Once again, they don’t fit everyone’s budget. In the event that you’re coming up a little short, just take the muffler completely off. Not only will that bitch roar, but it ain’t exactly street legal, which is pretty much smoking hot.
8. Finally a custom decal or two on the back glass really makes the car your own. Here there are a few options I highly recommend. Calvin pissing on something (a rival car maker is a safe bet) is always tough and shows your humorous side. A sticker either proclaiming that you actually have “No Fear”, or commanding someone else to “Fear This” is good. Really anything centered around fear and your lack of it, or other’s as it relates to you is worthy. Patriotism is good as well, however it should be mentioned that if you do go the route of patriotism, it should be a large sticker covering the majority, if not all of the back glass. NASCAR is never a bad bet either; R.I.P. #3 is probably about as good as it gets in that category. Finally, anything Taz is a must. It really doesn’t get any cooler than Taz. He does what he wants when he wants, and he does it fast…just like you.
1. Get a Trans Am. In a pinch a Camaro will do, but something about a giant eagle on the hood of Trans Am really gets th
e blood pumping.2. If you don’t have the dough for one that’s already cherry, get a fixer upper. The fixer uppers can be spotted in the classifieds with the following descriptions: “Body Rough”, “Great Teen Car”, and the ever popular “Runs”. Which is really all that you need, one that runs. After all, it’s tough to cruise if your car doesn’t run.
3. If you do decide to get a fixer upper, don’t be slowed down by waiting until you’ve got it just like you want it. It’s perfectly acceptable to cruise a work in progress. You might be asking, “Hey bro, I’ve only got a primer coat on my Trans Am and I don’t have the money to get it painted yet, how can I cruise like this?” Never fear my empty pocketed little man. A primer coat is just fine. Just let the ladies know that you’ve got some limited edition race car paint on back order.
4. Stereo, stereo, stereo. Louder = Better and remember, bass is just two letters away from being badass so get some sweet subs.
5. Now to complement that stereo, a music collection is necessary. The Top Gun soundtrack is a good starter album. It gets the hair on your neck to stand up with Highway to the Danger Zone, yet flows seamlessly into Take My Breath Away which is what you’ll be hearing from all of the women who are lucky enough to ride with you.
6. Another key point to remember is that under no circumstances are the front seats that came in your ride acceptable. Custom seats are generally out of the question so seat covers are the next order of business. Lamb’s wool offers comfort and a touch of class, but in my opinion a spandex animal print really says you are the king of the road.
7. In sticking with the earlier mention that louder is indeed better. A custom muffler is the next order of business. These little babies wear two hats; they sound awesome and look pretty sweet too. Once again, they don’t fit everyone’s budget. In the event that you’re coming up a little short, just take the muffler completely off. Not only will that bitch roar, but it ain’t exactly street legal, which is pretty much smoking hot.
8. Finally a custom decal or two on the back glass really makes the car your own. Here there are a few options I highly recommend. Calvin pissing on something (a rival car maker is a safe bet) is always tough and shows your humorous side. A sticker either proclaiming that you actually have “No Fear”, or commanding someone else to “Fear This” is good. Really anything centered around fear and your lack of it, or other’s as it relates to you is worthy. Patriotism is good as well, however it should be mentioned that if you do go the route of patriotism, it should be a large sticker covering the majority, if not all of the back glass. NASCAR is never a bad bet either; R.I.P. #3 is probably about as good as it gets in that category. Finally, anything Taz is a must. It really doesn’t get any cooler than Taz. He does what he wants when he wants, and he does it fast…just like you.
Now that we’ve got the basics for the ride covered, it’s time to address what sits behind the wheel.
1. The first thing is your hair. Now, I’m fully aware that the mullet has become the butt of many joke
s. Keep in mind these jokes are being told by total losers, the mullet is kick ass. We all know what a mullet looks like, no need to elaborate on that too much. The important thing that most new wearers of the Missouri Compromise forget is that if you decide to go with the oily cape in the back as opposed to windswept, be sure to scotch-guard your seat covers or they’ll be looking pretty shabby, pretty fast.2. Next is facial hair. Don’t be alarmed if you don’t have a gorilla beard coming in. In fact, if you do you will probably want to thin it out. Full beards say two things: I drive slow, and I work a 9 to 5, this is not cool. A mustache is, without question, the way to go. It says you’re a man, and one that parties hard…yet with class. If you are of a lighter skin complexion, thin and wispy is the winner. In fact, thin it if you have to. However, if you have a nice tan then thick is in.
3. Never let them see your eyes, ever. Corey Hart pretty much hit perfection when he declared in 1984 that he wears his sunglasses at night. It’s important to note that unless you are buying Oakley Blades (or a knock-off of these) then you are wasting your time. (Bonus alert!: Oakley also makes bitchin’ stickers).
4. Clothing is our next topic. While pants make an appearance when leaning on your hood in front of Taco Bell, it’s the shirt that matters when you’re sitting in the buckets of your Pontiac. Really you have two options, a factory made tank-top (good) or a shirt you’ve made into sleeveless on your own (best). When cutting out the sleeves, it’s important to not only cut off the sleeves, but to cut them all the way down the side of the shirt so that the girls get an occasional glimpse of your abs. More often than not, this will send the panties straight to ankleville. As for what to make into a sleeveless, I recommend B.U.M. Equipment, Hobie, or Marithe and Francois Girbaud (if you’re trying to break a losing streak with the ladies). If you absolutely insist on something with sleeves, for god’s sake wear a football jersey (preferably your own from high school) with no shirt under it.
5. Finally, get a hot lady to ride with you. This is important because girls want to know you can commit. It’s the same principle that a busy looking restaurant often draws more walk-in business. Usually the best ones can be found wearing some sort of Looney Tunes themed t-shirt and wearing a wet-perm. As my cohort Keith once stated “It really doesn’t get any better than a Tweety shirt and wet-perm.” I’ve yet to hear truer words spoken. These lovelies are typically found at roller skating rinks, bowling alley’s, or taking a smoke break at Burger King (double bonus here, she has an income and gets you free food).
That pretty much covers the basics, the last step is to find a hot stretch of asphalt where the ladies hang out and just drive man, just drive. After that, you’ll have so much muff flying at you you’ll need a helmet on, that’s no bullshit either.
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