Yogurt Commercial

I recently saw one of those yogurt ads with the elf-faced white girl and the spice-girl looking black girl where they sit around eating the yogurt in bath robes. All the while, they compare how good the yogurt is to some of life’s pleasures that only women can relate to. First of all, let me say how realistic this is. I know that on many Saturday afternoons my wife packs her robe and a few yogurts into a shoulder bag and heads out to meet the girls for an afternoon of girl talk. We usually plan it so that while she does that I throw on a pair of real comfortable jeans and meet the boys for a pick-up football game in the park with Brett Favre. Anyway, I thought the idea for the commercial was so cute and such a great idea, that I would try my hand at writing one.

Girl 1: This is like, eating a whole large pizza rolled up like a burrito and dipping it in nacho cheese before each bite good.
Girl 2: This is like, peeing in your pants on the sofa when no one is home because you didn’t want to miss a minute of Oprah’s favorite things good.
Girl 1: This is like, farting in the elevator at work and having the hot guy from accounting turn around and give you his number good.
Girl 2: This is like, finding out you can sell crab lice and make a decent living good.
Girl 1: This is like, going through a pile of dog poop on the street and finding a diamond ring mixed in that the dog ate good.
Girl 2: This is like, learning that guys really like the bleached upper lip hair, and really they don’t even notice it good.
Girl 1: This is like, having a boyfriend who likes giant areolas that have no definite edge and just blend into the skin gradually good.
Girl 2: This is like having the spa girl confirm that most girls do, in fact, have to start their bikini wax on their hips and "work in toward the middle" good.
Girl 1: This is like, finding out Tom Brady’s girlfriend has a terminal illness good…that bitch.
Girl 2: This is like, going to Italy and having sex with dozen’s of strange men, and finding out that penicillin will take care of everything good (face turning red).
Girl 1: This is like, smearing peanut butter all over your genitals and finding out your pet really loves peanut butter good (winks and smiles at other girl).
Girl 2: This is like, shitting your pants on your second date at his house and getting the toilet to work again after cramming your underwear down it good.
Girl 1: This is like, later in life accidentally running over that girl who called you fat in 7th grade, crushing your self esteem forever, good.
Girl 2 (lip quivering): This is like meeting the captain of the football team at your 10 year class reunion and finding out he’s turned over a new leaf and is really attracted to homely social outcasts who are really into Magic The Gathering and Lilith Fair, but only if you’ll get braces again good.
Girl 1 (in tears): This is like having your sorority girl mother accept that you like to read in coffee shops, listen to Indigo Girls and wear big sweaters regardless of the season good.
Girl 2 (also in tears): This is like your ex-boyfriend leaving that stupid bitch that works at SuperCuts with the big fake boobs, and learning to love you in spite of your physical flaws…oh to hell with it (sobbing), I’m calling Todd.
Girl 1 (dipping a king size Snickers in her yogurt, also sobbing): Do it. Just call him. Call him and tell him how much you love him. Tell him you’ll change. If he can’t understand that…
Girl 2: Todd? Hey it’s me. I know, I’m sorry I just… I just needed to talk to you. Wait, I know. Just hear me out…Todd? Hello? Todd? Todd?
Girl 1 (holding a tissue out to Girl 1): I love you. I’ll always be here for you. If he can't learn to accept you...
Girl 2: Will you just shut the fuck up! (dialing the phone again) His phone is off. (collapsing and crying) His phone is off.

Announcer: Yoplait Light, less than 100 calories per serving, and 0 grams of fat. Open up the great taste…without the guilt.

Nailestra

I’m sure everyone has been seeing all of the commercials on television the last few years for various drugs that are available by prescription. These ads come in two varieties. The less common variety is those that tell you nothing about what the drug does, just the name and some pretty music. Then there are the more common variety which tells you what the drug’s intended use is, but also a laundry list of potential side effects and interactions with other drugs the consumer might be taking. The reason for this is there is a law stating that if a company is to advertise the benefits of a drug, it must also advertise the side effects as well. However, if the benefit or use of the drug isn’t advertised then the side effects don’t have to either. So you end up with one of the two types of ad I mentioned before. Obviously you see more of the latter because it’s pretty pointless to advertise a name and hope that people are so curious they’ll look up what it is. Now that you’ve waded through that rather long and pointless digression, here is the meat of this entry. I have found a miracle drug, and with it the advertisement for that drug, enjoy.

Nailestra

Intro: A woman runs in slow motion through a field of wildflowers, soft piano music plays in the background. She stops and spins around, laughing, and holding up a puppy. She starts running again, in slow motion, this time with a giant bubble maker in her hand, and a huge streaming bubble blowing out of it. She laughs again, and reaches in her pocket for something; the woman can’t be heard, but her lips are easily read as she mouths the word “fuck”. She quickly withdraws her hand from her pocket and begins to suck on the back of her index finger as if in pain while tears run down her cheeks. The narrator speaks:

Narrator: Tired of painful hangnails? Do you wonder each time you reach into your pocket if you will snag one on the fabric? Do your nails bleed every time you dry your hands on a terry cloth towel? If these, or similar symptoms are diminishing your quality of life, the answer is here. Nailestra. Nailestra is a once a day tablet that can end painful hangnails, forever. Nailestra works by converting your body’s natural enzymes and focusing essential vitamins and minerals on the heart of your nail beds. Nailestra works internally, with your body’s natural rhythms in ways that filing and manicures can’t. Nailestra is a proven effective medication that will eliminate hangnails.
Side effects of Nailestra may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, nausea, projectile vomiting, hair loss, loss of sensation in your feet and nipples, uncontrollable painful spontaneous ejaculations, temporary blindness, permanent blindness, loss of taste buds, rectal polyps, adult acne, extreme facial hair growth, kidney failure, emphysema, parkinson’s disease, sudden retardation, transgender genital transformation, unstable mood, extreme violence, bipolar disorder, exploding ovaries, malodorous testicles, foreskin regrowth, obesity, brain tumors, cataracts, unibrow growth, profuse sweating, perpetual flatulence, loss of bladder control, heart attack, bleeding from the ears and nostrils, gout, bunyons, ringworm, psoriasis, tetter, corns, calluses, whooping cough, hay fever, crupe, dropsies, quinsies, pleurisy, goiter, distemper and tooth loss. Ask your doctor if you are also taking an MAO Inhibitor, estrogen, oral birth control pills, blood pressure medications, certain cholesterol drugs, aspirin, vitamins, or using deodorant, shampoo, or mouthwash, and if you regularly drink water or eat food. Use of Nailestra with these things can result death or male pregnancy. Like all medications, ask your doctor before beginning use of Nailestra. Nailestra should not be used or handled by children, women who are pregnant, women who plan on becoming pregnant, or women who know what being pregnant means. Nailestra should be stored in a cool dry place, and never ever be exposed to sunlight. Though rare, some clinical studies have shown Nailestra to explode violently with no provocation. Nailestra should not be taunted or laughed at.
So when you’re ready for beautiful, worry-free nails. When you’re ready to live a better life, when you’re ready to be free again, try Nailestra.

Closing: Screen shows woman again. This time she jumps in a Jeep with some of her girlfriends, surfboards strapped to the top, and the puppy sitting on the dash. She bites her nail gently, and smiles at the camera as the Jeep pulls off toward the sun setting over the ocean. Nailestra.

Eating Out in New York

Living in New York is great for a lot of reasons, but one of the most important is the food. You can literally find almost any type of food from around the world, except for Viking Food (apologies to Naked Gun). This is a pretty exciting prospect, especially if you’re relatively adventurous. However, there are many types of worldly cuisine that as a Midwesterner I had no idea what they entailed. After considering this, I thought maybe there are others out there who share my ignorance. So, I took the liberty of creating a quick guide to eating different cuisines. This is in no way meant to be a tutorial on proper etiquette, nor is it meant to be a critique. It’s simply a little rundown, so that one might have an idea of what to expect when venturing into a new type of restaurant. Forgive me if this isn’t 100% accurate, I’ve done my best to figure these out for you. Feel free, as always, to comment on or correct any mistakes I might have made.

Afghan:
A charming hostess seats you and your party in a charming crumbling cement bunker, lined with darling razor wire. Ouch! Careful, in there. Your waiter shouts at you angrily while the busboy’s stand back with threatening rocket launchers slung over their backs. Settle down, they’re harmless! The letters on the menu will mean nothing to you, so roll the dice here. Chances are you’ll get a piping hot chunk of meat impaled on a steel rod brought to your table. What is it you ask? Don’t get caught up on details, just enjoy and know that there is a strong chance you owned one of whatever you’re eating as a childhood pet! Bon Apetit! Visa, MasterCard, Diner’s Club, and Interesting Trades accepted.

Burmese:
Don’t let the name chase you away, the only pythons here dangle above the urinals. Seriously though, cuisine from Burma is almost exactly like the popular cuisine from Myanmar which I think needs no further explanation.

Ethiopian:
There is only one Ethiopian restaurant in my neighborhood so they aren’t that common. The food is very difficult to describe so I thought in this case I would just put a copy of the menu in here. Bear in mind that I didn’t bother to recreate the fonts or the feel of the menu, it’s straight text so let your imagination get crazy:

Café Ethiopia

Lunch:

Sack of Grain……………………$10.99

Dinner:

Sack of Grain……………………$12.99

I would have to say that I recommend the dinner sack; you get a complimentary roll of fly tape with it (your eyes will thank you).

Vietnamese:
Don’t let the smell fool you, they aren’t incinerating medical waste in there! Far from it weary traveler, a delicious meal awaits you on the inside. “Charlie” will seat you in an authentic bamboo cage. Watch out for the bamboo chutes covered in animal shit, those ends are sharp! In addition, a few simple phrases will go a long way toward improving your service and getting you something special from the chef. Try “Me so Hungry”, or “Me eaty rong time” (you can check your “L”s at the door), both of these will pay big dividends when the check comes. Have fun with it!

Kosher:
What exactly is “kosher” you ask? Essentially it means an old man with a tiny little hat said that your dinner was cool with him. It also means that all of the food comes with a hearty side of “Oi!”. But, don’t make the mistake I did, that’s matzo, not a cracker. It only looks and tastes exactly like a cracker. Finally, those crazy hair do’s on the fellah’s, where do I begin? Think of them as delicious curly-Q French fries in front of their ears.
Insider’s Tip: Be sure to haggle when your bill comes!

Carribean:
Bring me my dinner Mon! The food in these quaint little restaurants is only half of the fun. While you dine, venders will incessantly try to sell you everything from tiny drums, to masks, to illicit drugs! My friends had the most fun seeing who could say “no thank you” the most times during our dinner. Can you imagine? If you order the chicken here, we found it to be a fun game to throw the bones inside the steel drums of the band. Never mind the amusing clanging it made, the band members were so amused they packed their things and left! No doubt they had a good laugh on their way home.

Persian:
What type of food comes from a region that is no longer recognized? Food of the same type! All of the food here can be described as tasty to say the least, but my dinner companion and I found the décor to be breathtaking. You’re seated on a genuine Persian rug, no chairs in the house. At first this was unusual but after I started eating I found that I really loved munching on a rug! I think that if you give it a chance you’ll love it too!

So this was only a brief rundown, and I certainly didn’t cover every type of food that there is. However, I hope that I touched on some of the more unusual varieties that are out there. So next time you’re in New York, or whatever part of the world enjoy the food and don’t be afraid to try some new things. With a little bit of experimenting, I’m sure you’ll be able to add to this handy guide. Until then, enjoy it and enjoy your meals, wherever they’re from.

Hiatus

Hey friends,
Sorry for the brief hiatus. I've been out of town and pretty busy, so writing hasn't been number one on my list in my scant free time. I will try to post this weekend, and definitely more next week. I really hate to let my loyal fan base down, both of you.

The Spiderbutton Chronicles on Old Dragonwasp Mountain

I noticed that Hollywood has recently taken a shine to the fantasy genre. The sort of movies with made up creatures and child heroes who improbably defeat evil sorcerers and the like. Ever since Lord of the Rings came out, any book that made it into the top 100 of the Renaissance-Fair-Geek Best-Seller list has found its way onto the silver screen. The more of these things they make, the more they all begin to blend together into a bouillabaisse of sword wielding elf loving nonsense, where one is indistinguishable from the rest. So in keeping with the trend of the Chronicles of Narnia, the Golden Compass, and the sure-to-be-loved-by Oscar, Spiderwick Chronicles, I’ve decided to capitalize on this gold mine and have made my own film of this variety. The following is my visualization of the preview. The announcer voice should be imagined in the raspy baritone voice heard on most movie previews.

Announcer: “Pip Oliver was the typical 13 year old boy, but the summer after his seventh grade year was anything but typical. When his parents dropped the boy off at his uncle’s house on Dragonwasp Mountain, they never expected to come back 3 months later and pick up a man.”

Mother: “Good bye, Pip! Have fun, be sure to write often!”
Father (crouching down): “Be good son, and mind what your uncle says.”
Pip: “Yes, sir” Camera shows parents driving off, boy stands in front of uncle’s creepy house as some crows fly out across the screen. The sky is gray and the boy is noticeably uncomfortable.
Uncle: “Well Pip, what did you have in mind for the summer?” Uncle places arm around boy as they enter the house.

Announcer: “While exploring the attic of his uncle’s house, Pip found a book that would change his world and ours…forever.”
Boy blows dust off of an old leather book, unlatches a clasp on the front, and opens the book. As the book opens, several flashes of light come out of the pages, and the boy falls backward.
Announcer: “Young Pip would unlock a world he never imagined. Little did he know when he came to Dragonwasp Mountain, he would have to save himself, and save the world.”
Screen shows boy wandering through a thickly wooded forest with the book under his arm. Mysterious noises are heard indicating creatures scurrying about, but nothing is seen. Giggling is heard far away. Then silence as a large terrifying cloud appears in front of the boy. He falls backward, cringing in fear. As the boy lies on the ground, the boy lets a small fart and a flash of light comes down from the tree tops and the black cloud vanishes. Pip opens his eyes to find a small fairy floating in front him.
Pip: “Who…who are you?”
Fairy: “My name Anustasia. I was summoned by your magical ass! I can protect you from the Black Cloud Sorcerer.”
Pip: But where did you come from?”
Fairy: “You see me now, yes you do! But only when I smell your poo!” Fairy giggles as she flies away.

Announcer: “Young Pip was now the keeper of a gate between two worlds. Worlds that must be kept separate, for if these worlds come together, it would spell the end of all mankind.”
Camera now shoes Pip in a cave, talking with the fairy from before, an old wise bearded fairy, as well as hundreds of other fairies surrounding him.
Old Fairy with a Beard: You are the gatekeeper, you hold the power to stop the Black Cloud Sorcerer from entering your world, and at the same time…ending ours!”
Pip: “Why me? Why do I hold the power?”
Old Fairy with a beard (laughing): “Because young Pip, you’ve opened the book that holds the secrets to saving both of our worlds. Because the book is knowledge. (old fairy is suddenly very serious) Knowledge you now possess. When you read the pages of that book, you became the chosen one, the one who must summon us in order to defend our world and yours. You’ve unlocked the secrets of… (now whispering) The Spiderbutton Chronicles.”

Announcer: And so an epic battle begins. An army of good, led by a young boy with the power to summon all of the unseen warriors of Dragonwasp Mountain. By floating a mighty air biscuit, he will take on the most evil force in the universe. Camera shows boy standing on top of a mountain, fists clenched, a clear, loud trumpet call echoes as it bursts from his ass: do-doo! do-doo! An army of white fairies are seen flying up the mountain as the boy faces the evil black cloud. Camera cuts to the boy in his kitchen with his uncle:
Uncle (laughing): “I wish I had known you enjoyed beans so much, I would have stocked up!”

Pip (smiling, knowingly): “Believe me, I had no idea either.” Uncle looks comically puzzled.

Announcer: “The Spiderbutton Chronicles on Old Dragonwasp Mountain. Coming to theatres this summer. Be silent…but deadly!”