This is an honest to goodness story, (check out the link: http://www.wesh.com/news/15528862/detail.html) How fantastic is this. This headline alone is high comedy. I guess the kid should be glad mom wasn’t operating a jackhammer when she pitched her fit. The best part though is the mom attempting to justify this. The mother calmly explained to authorities who were called in that the child was throwing a tantrum and she didn’t have the hose on full power. What exactly did the mother expect to come from this explanation (by the way, you have to imagine this woman with a thick hillbilly accent, it’s all that fits really)?
Policeman (approaching the mother): Excuse me, ma’am? Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?
Mother: Now now, settle down officer. This kid really had this coming, let me explain. See, we was pullin’ in to get a little turtle wax on the Chevette here, when little Candilynn dumped her milk shake on the floor ‘cause I made her get strawberry instead of chocolate on account that I don’t like chocolate and I wanted me a sip or two. So I just told her right there, “Get out, you're gettin’ the hose”. But don’t worry, I didn’t put it on full power or nothin’, just regular. I wasn’t even squeezin’ the handle.
Policeman: Hmmm, I see. Well, carry on (drops another quarter in the sprayer as he leaves).
Seriously, what parent justifies this. Evidently another customer overheard the mother saying “You will respect me. I’m your mother.” And really, what better way to earn the respect of a 2 ½ year old than by putting them on the business end of a car wash power sprayer? On the plus side, family members say that little Candilynn hasn’t been the clean since they brought her home from the hospital.
I also really like the fact that there is faction of supporters who had no problem with this method of discipline and said it was just some tough love. In a related story, these same supporters will be meeting for the annual Pie and Cake social for “Parents of children who gunned down classmates at school support group” at the VFW Hall on Tuesday night.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Farts are Funny… or are they?
For m
ost of my life I have held fast to the statement that farts are funny. No questions asked, a good Bronx cheer will bring a laugh. However I’ve been rethinking this a bit of late and I’ve decided to expand it some, because not all farts are funny. A more accurate description would be that the sound of a fart is funny. A prized trumpeter will bring down the house nearly every time, particularly one that has a Kenny G-esque longevity to it. The popcorn fart is a funny sound, and a funny name. The blowing through a straw in a bowl of pudding is also good times, although that particular fart typically brings a look of concern for the individual producing it. Or even the I've got a secret fart e.g. Pssssssst, is a lot of fun. I have found however, that the smell of a fart is typically far less comical. A quick recap for those of you scoring at home: fart sounds=funny; fart smell=not funny at all. Please allow me to expand on this a bit. Even the funniest sounding fart, while bringing chuckles initially, if followed by a gruesome smell will turn the crowd rather quickly. Nothing wipes the grins off of friend’s faces faster than a sulphurous rotten egg scent. In fact, looks of pain and anguish are often seen at these moments. Hands transform into paddles frantically trying to escape the pool of stink. The case in point here is the silent but deadly (to use a worn out term) fart is not funny. The only laughter these bring is to the dealer, and almost exclusively while the dealer is in control of the child lock windows on a road trip. In fact, if a dealer is repeatedly producing such odors, physical harm can be dealt out by the recipients for the repeated offenses. An interesting dynamic is when one of these farts is launched in a crowded gathering or other completely inappropriate atmosphere. The reactions may vary (first though let me point out that these farts are often isolated events where the dealer has a lot of gas and sends off a “test” fart, the idea being they absolutely have to relieve some of the gas pressure so they release a test fart to see if in a stroke of good fortune they aren’t smelly and no one will be the wiser, whereupon learning they are, in fact, rancid they make a mental note “Whoa, I won’t do that again” and thereby abort “Operation Ass Evac”). Please allow me to describe some more common reactions in ascending order of cleverness.
Amateur. These dealers take the play dumb approach. They drop the bomb, people begin to react by getting the hell away from the smell. The dealer will stand firmly in the stench-zone and claim to smell nothing. “What? I don’t smell anything. Seriously guys what are you talking about?” Then tilt their head up and try really hard to smell what all of the fuss is about. This fools absolutely no one. Quite the opposite actually, this is judge, jury, and sentencing in one fell swoop.
Rookie. Some dealers will take a loud grandiose preemptive strike when learning there asshole is, in fact, rotten: (loudly) “Whoa, who was that? (fanning the air and leaning back) “Good god, something died in here! Jesus Christ! That is absolutely horrible! Whoever did that needs to see a doctor!” Here the thinking is, “no one will ever expect it’s me if I draw this much attention to it”. This is often met with suspicion as the person putting on this production is the first one to notice the stench. This phenomenon is knows under two guises, the “Whoever smelt (sic) it dealt it” corollary, or the “Smeller is the feller” theorem (more common in rural areas). Either way, people generally agree that the smell is in fact bad and they hope it never happens again.
Professional. This reaction is more subtle, often these dealers are salty veterans who enjoy a White Castle burger with a side of cabbage and beans washed down with a lukewarm Stroh's. Generally the dealer releases the stench, waits for others to begin noticing, then joins in the fun. This is designed specifically to offset the “whoever smelt it dealt it” corollary. Often these savvy players will send off two even three more bombs knowing they’ve got a good poker face. However, cocky or less experienced dealers will get busted by going to the well too often. People smelling these things have an uncanny ability to take conscious or subconscious inventory of who was around each time they smelled this. “Well I was by Ted and Carrie earlier when I smelled it. This time it was Ted and Paula. I know it’s not me, it must be Ted.” This is but a small example, people can track rooms of up to 20 people with ease.
Lastly, there is one more group. I have no accurate label for these folks. These are the people who just let it go, repeatedly if necessary, firing atrocities with a reckless abandon unparalleled on this stage. Generally these people find farts so entertaining that they are willing to amuse themselves at any price. Or they are younger than 7 or older than 70. Often the reaction is typical initially, and then people just begin to tip their cap and stay the hell away. Quick test, when you fart around friends do they A) Get a good chuckle, B) Try to one up you, C) Ask you in all seriousness to never do that again, or D) Vomit on their shirt and never speak to you again? If you answered C or D, you likely fall into this last category.
Where you fall in these groups says something about you, what I’m not sure. Or maybe you have some futuristic technique, so advanced and revolutionary that one day it will mimicked to the point where no one will ever know who pulled the trigger. Wherever you stand, if you only take one thing from this, remember this: keep ‘em loud, keep ‘em comin’; leave a cloud send ‘em runnin’.
ost of my life I have held fast to the statement that farts are funny. No questions asked, a good Bronx cheer will bring a laugh. However I’ve been rethinking this a bit of late and I’ve decided to expand it some, because not all farts are funny. A more accurate description would be that the sound of a fart is funny. A prized trumpeter will bring down the house nearly every time, particularly one that has a Kenny G-esque longevity to it. The popcorn fart is a funny sound, and a funny name. The blowing through a straw in a bowl of pudding is also good times, although that particular fart typically brings a look of concern for the individual producing it. Or even the I've got a secret fart e.g. Pssssssst, is a lot of fun. I have found however, that the smell of a fart is typically far less comical. A quick recap for those of you scoring at home: fart sounds=funny; fart smell=not funny at all. Please allow me to expand on this a bit. Even the funniest sounding fart, while bringing chuckles initially, if followed by a gruesome smell will turn the crowd rather quickly. Nothing wipes the grins off of friend’s faces faster than a sulphurous rotten egg scent. In fact, looks of pain and anguish are often seen at these moments. Hands transform into paddles frantically trying to escape the pool of stink. The case in point here is the silent but deadly (to use a worn out term) fart is not funny. The only laughter these bring is to the dealer, and almost exclusively while the dealer is in control of the child lock windows on a road trip. In fact, if a dealer is repeatedly producing such odors, physical harm can be dealt out by the recipients for the repeated offenses. An interesting dynamic is when one of these farts is launched in a crowded gathering or other completely inappropriate atmosphere. The reactions may vary (first though let me point out that these farts are often isolated events where the dealer has a lot of gas and sends off a “test” fart, the idea being they absolutely have to relieve some of the gas pressure so they release a test fart to see if in a stroke of good fortune they aren’t smelly and no one will be the wiser, whereupon learning they are, in fact, rancid they make a mental note “Whoa, I won’t do that again” and thereby abort “Operation Ass Evac”). Please allow me to describe some more common reactions in ascending order of cleverness.Amateur. These dealers take the play dumb approach. They drop the bomb, people begin to react by getting the hell away from the smell. The dealer will stand firmly in the stench-zone and claim to smell nothing. “What? I don’t smell anything. Seriously guys what are you talking about?” Then tilt their head up and try really hard to smell what all of the fuss is about. This fools absolutely no one. Quite the opposite actually, this is judge, jury, and sentencing in one fell swoop.
Rookie. Some dealers will take a loud grandiose preemptive strike when learning there asshole is, in fact, rotten: (loudly) “Whoa, who was that? (fanning the air and leaning back) “Good god, something died in here! Jesus Christ! That is absolutely horrible! Whoever did that needs to see a doctor!” Here the thinking is, “no one will ever expect it’s me if I draw this much attention to it”. This is often met with suspicion as the person putting on this production is the first one to notice the stench. This phenomenon is knows under two guises, the “Whoever smelt (sic) it dealt it” corollary, or the “Smeller is the feller” theorem (more common in rural areas). Either way, people generally agree that the smell is in fact bad and they hope it never happens again.
Professional. This reaction is more subtle, often these dealers are salty veterans who enjoy a White Castle burger with a side of cabbage and beans washed down with a lukewarm Stroh's. Generally the dealer releases the stench, waits for others to begin noticing, then joins in the fun. This is designed specifically to offset the “whoever smelt it dealt it” corollary. Often these savvy players will send off two even three more bombs knowing they’ve got a good poker face. However, cocky or less experienced dealers will get busted by going to the well too often. People smelling these things have an uncanny ability to take conscious or subconscious inventory of who was around each time they smelled this. “Well I was by Ted and Carrie earlier when I smelled it. This time it was Ted and Paula. I know it’s not me, it must be Ted.” This is but a small example, people can track rooms of up to 20 people with ease.
Lastly, there is one more group. I have no accurate label for these folks. These are the people who just let it go, repeatedly if necessary, firing atrocities with a reckless abandon unparalleled on this stage. Generally these people find farts so entertaining that they are willing to amuse themselves at any price. Or they are younger than 7 or older than 70. Often the reaction is typical initially, and then people just begin to tip their cap and stay the hell away. Quick test, when you fart around friends do they A) Get a good chuckle, B) Try to one up you, C) Ask you in all seriousness to never do that again, or D) Vomit on their shirt and never speak to you again? If you answered C or D, you likely fall into this last category.
Where you fall in these groups says something about you, what I’m not sure. Or maybe you have some futuristic technique, so advanced and revolutionary that one day it will mimicked to the point where no one will ever know who pulled the trigger. Wherever you stand, if you only take one thing from this, remember this: keep ‘em loud, keep ‘em comin’; leave a cloud send ‘em runnin’.
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