I noticed that Hollywood has recently taken a shine to the fantasy genre. The sort of movies with made up creatures and child heroes who improbably defeat evil sorcerers and the like. Ever since Lord of the Rings came out, any book that made it into the top 100 of the Renaissance-Fair-Geek Best-Seller list has found its way onto the silver screen. The more of these things they make, the more they all begin to blend together into a bouillabaisse of sword wielding elf loving nonsense, where one is indistinguishable from the rest. So in keeping with the trend of the Chronicles of Narnia, the Golden Compass, and the sure-to-be-loved-by Oscar, Spiderwick Chronicles, I’ve decided to capitalize on this gold mine and have made my own film of this variety. The following is my visualization of the preview. The announcer voice should be imagined in the raspy baritone voice heard on most movie previews.
Announcer: “Pip Oliver was the typical 13 year old boy, but the summer after his seventh grade year was anything but typical. When his parents dropped the boy off at his uncle’s house on Dragonwasp Mountain, they never expected to come back 3 months later and pick up a man.”
Announcer: “Pip Oliver was the typical 13 year old boy, but the summer after his seventh grade year was anything but typical. When his parents dropped the boy off at his uncle’s house on Dragonwasp Mountain, they never expected to come back 3 months later and pick up a man.”
Mother: “Good bye, Pip! Have fun, be sure to write often!”
Father (crouching down): “Be good son, and mind what your uncle says.”
Pip: “Yes, sir” Camera shows parents driving off, boy stands in front of uncle’s creepy house as some crows fly out across the screen. The sky is gray and the boy is noticeably uncomfortable.
Uncle: “Well Pip, what did you have in mind for the summer?” Uncle places arm around boy as they enter the house.
Announcer: “While exploring the attic of his uncle’s house, Pip found a book that would change his world and ours…forever.”
Boy blows dust off of an old leather book, unlatches a clasp on the front, and opens the book. As the book opens, several flashes of light come out of the pages, and the boy falls backward.
Announcer: “Young Pip would unlock a world he never imagined. Little did he know when he came to Dragonwasp Mountain, he would have to save himself, and save the world.”
Screen shows boy wandering through a thickly wooded forest with the book under his arm. Mysterious noises are heard indicating creatures scurrying about, but nothing is seen. Giggling is heard far away. Then silence as a large terrifying cloud appears in front of the boy. He falls backward, cringing in fear. As the boy lies on the ground, the boy lets a small fart and a flash of light comes down from the tree tops and the black cloud vanishes. Pip opens his eyes to find a small fairy floating in front him.
Pip: “Who…who are you?”
Fairy: “My name Anustasia. I was summoned by your magical ass! I can protect you from the Black Cloud Sorcerer.”
Pip: But where did you come from?”
Fairy: “You see me now, yes you do! But only when I smell your poo!” Fairy giggles as she flies away.
Announcer: “Young Pip was now the keeper of a gate between two worlds. Worlds that must be kept separate, for if these worlds come together, it would spell the end of all mankind.”
Camera now shoes Pip in a cave, talking with the fairy from before, an old wise bearded fairy, as well as hundreds of other fairies surrounding him.
Old Fairy with a Beard: You are the gatekeeper, you hold the power to stop the Black Cloud Sorcerer from entering your world, and at the same time…ending ours!”
Pip: “Why me? Why do I hold the power?”
Old Fairy with a beard (laughing): “Because young Pip, you’ve opened the book that holds the secrets to saving both of our worlds. Because the book is knowledge. (old fairy is suddenly very serious) Knowledge you now possess. When you read the pages of that book, you became the chosen one, the one who must summon us in order to defend our world and yours. You’ve unlocked the secrets of… (now whispering) The Spiderbutton Chronicles.”
Announcer: And so an epic battle begins. An army of good, led by a young boy with the power to summon all of the unseen warriors of Dragonwasp Mountain. By floating a mighty air biscuit, he will take on the most evil force in the universe. Camera shows boy standing on top of a mountain, fists clenched, a clear, loud trumpet call echoes as it bursts from his ass: do-doo! do-doo! An army of white fairies are seen flying up the mountain as the boy faces the evil black cloud. Camera cuts to the boy in his kitchen with his uncle:
Uncle (laughing): “I wish I had known you enjoyed beans so much, I would have stocked up!”
Father (crouching down): “Be good son, and mind what your uncle says.”
Pip: “Yes, sir” Camera shows parents driving off, boy stands in front of uncle’s creepy house as some crows fly out across the screen. The sky is gray and the boy is noticeably uncomfortable.
Uncle: “Well Pip, what did you have in mind for the summer?” Uncle places arm around boy as they enter the house.
Announcer: “While exploring the attic of his uncle’s house, Pip found a book that would change his world and ours…forever.”
Boy blows dust off of an old leather book, unlatches a clasp on the front, and opens the book. As the book opens, several flashes of light come out of the pages, and the boy falls backward.
Announcer: “Young Pip would unlock a world he never imagined. Little did he know when he came to Dragonwasp Mountain, he would have to save himself, and save the world.”
Screen shows boy wandering through a thickly wooded forest with the book under his arm. Mysterious noises are heard indicating creatures scurrying about, but nothing is seen. Giggling is heard far away. Then silence as a large terrifying cloud appears in front of the boy. He falls backward, cringing in fear. As the boy lies on the ground, the boy lets a small fart and a flash of light comes down from the tree tops and the black cloud vanishes. Pip opens his eyes to find a small fairy floating in front him.
Pip: “Who…who are you?”
Fairy: “My name Anustasia. I was summoned by your magical ass! I can protect you from the Black Cloud Sorcerer.”
Pip: But where did you come from?”
Fairy: “You see me now, yes you do! But only when I smell your poo!” Fairy giggles as she flies away.
Announcer: “Young Pip was now the keeper of a gate between two worlds. Worlds that must be kept separate, for if these worlds come together, it would spell the end of all mankind.”
Camera now shoes Pip in a cave, talking with the fairy from before, an old wise bearded fairy, as well as hundreds of other fairies surrounding him.
Old Fairy with a Beard: You are the gatekeeper, you hold the power to stop the Black Cloud Sorcerer from entering your world, and at the same time…ending ours!”
Pip: “Why me? Why do I hold the power?”
Old Fairy with a beard (laughing): “Because young Pip, you’ve opened the book that holds the secrets to saving both of our worlds. Because the book is knowledge. (old fairy is suddenly very serious) Knowledge you now possess. When you read the pages of that book, you became the chosen one, the one who must summon us in order to defend our world and yours. You’ve unlocked the secrets of… (now whispering) The Spiderbutton Chronicles.”
Announcer: And so an epic battle begins. An army of good, led by a young boy with the power to summon all of the unseen warriors of Dragonwasp Mountain. By floating a mighty air biscuit, he will take on the most evil force in the universe. Camera shows boy standing on top of a mountain, fists clenched, a clear, loud trumpet call echoes as it bursts from his ass: do-doo! do-doo! An army of white fairies are seen flying up the mountain as the boy faces the evil black cloud. Camera cuts to the boy in his kitchen with his uncle:
Uncle (laughing): “I wish I had known you enjoyed beans so much, I would have stocked up!”
Pip (smiling, knowingly): “Believe me, I had no idea either.” Uncle looks comically puzzled.
Announcer: “The Spiderbutton Chronicles on Old Dragonwasp Mountain. Coming to theatres this summer. Be silent…but deadly!”
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