Your Wreath, Rah!

I was thinking about a minor affliction that befalls all men. Or at least to my knowledge it befalls all men. Maybe I’m the circus freak here, but I’m putting it out there anyway. Why is it that sometimes when you take a leak, the stream is all over the place? Seriously, what is the cause, what is the solution? As a person who has pissed standing up for at least 50% (if not more) of my trips to the bathroom, you would think I would have a solution at this point. Sometimes it’s a pristine jet of uncompromised flow. During these times the toilet could be the size of a donut and I wouldn’t miss, straight and true. Other times it’s like my tip is a colander. I expect little kids to come running in with their swimming suits on and frolic in my whimsical stream(s) like it’s one of those clown heads on the end of a garden hose. You look at it like you expect to find a Prince Albert you forgot about getting in a drunken stupor. And it’s not like it’s a couple of inches of separation either. It’s a choice. The toilet is not large enough to accommodate the both of them without getting down and putting your hips on the brim. No no, it’s one or the other. You start to look to see if one is maybe a more dominant stream, larger than the other in order to minimize the mess. Other times, it’s a broken watering can and you just count your losses. Or the worst, and this is rare, is when one is pointing downward, a small off-shoot that is seemingly harmless. Yet you don’t notice it until you’re finished and your left foot is damp, or worse your pant leg. Maybe I’ll invent some sort of attachment that prevents this. Sort of a penis-friendly version of those things they put in the liquor bottles at bars. Whatever it is, I hope that my contribution to this world will be the true laser quality stream. Until then, mind your shoe chappy.