Nailestra

I’m sure everyone has been seeing all of the commercials on television the last few years for various drugs that are available by prescription. These ads come in two varieties. The less common variety is those that tell you nothing about what the drug does, just the name and some pretty music. Then there are the more common variety which tells you what the drug’s intended use is, but also a laundry list of potential side effects and interactions with other drugs the consumer might be taking. The reason for this is there is a law stating that if a company is to advertise the benefits of a drug, it must also advertise the side effects as well. However, if the benefit or use of the drug isn’t advertised then the side effects don’t have to either. So you end up with one of the two types of ad I mentioned before. Obviously you see more of the latter because it’s pretty pointless to advertise a name and hope that people are so curious they’ll look up what it is. Now that you’ve waded through that rather long and pointless digression, here is the meat of this entry. I have found a miracle drug, and with it the advertisement for that drug, enjoy.

Nailestra

Intro: A woman runs in slow motion through a field of wildflowers, soft piano music plays in the background. She stops and spins around, laughing, and holding up a puppy. She starts running again, in slow motion, this time with a giant bubble maker in her hand, and a huge streaming bubble blowing out of it. She laughs again, and reaches in her pocket for something; the woman can’t be heard, but her lips are easily read as she mouths the word “fuck”. She quickly withdraws her hand from her pocket and begins to suck on the back of her index finger as if in pain while tears run down her cheeks. The narrator speaks:

Narrator: Tired of painful hangnails? Do you wonder each time you reach into your pocket if you will snag one on the fabric? Do your nails bleed every time you dry your hands on a terry cloth towel? If these, or similar symptoms are diminishing your quality of life, the answer is here. Nailestra. Nailestra is a once a day tablet that can end painful hangnails, forever. Nailestra works by converting your body’s natural enzymes and focusing essential vitamins and minerals on the heart of your nail beds. Nailestra works internally, with your body’s natural rhythms in ways that filing and manicures can’t. Nailestra is a proven effective medication that will eliminate hangnails.
Side effects of Nailestra may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, nausea, projectile vomiting, hair loss, loss of sensation in your feet and nipples, uncontrollable painful spontaneous ejaculations, temporary blindness, permanent blindness, loss of taste buds, rectal polyps, adult acne, extreme facial hair growth, kidney failure, emphysema, parkinson’s disease, sudden retardation, transgender genital transformation, unstable mood, extreme violence, bipolar disorder, exploding ovaries, malodorous testicles, foreskin regrowth, obesity, brain tumors, cataracts, unibrow growth, profuse sweating, perpetual flatulence, loss of bladder control, heart attack, bleeding from the ears and nostrils, gout, bunyons, ringworm, psoriasis, tetter, corns, calluses, whooping cough, hay fever, crupe, dropsies, quinsies, pleurisy, goiter, distemper and tooth loss. Ask your doctor if you are also taking an MAO Inhibitor, estrogen, oral birth control pills, blood pressure medications, certain cholesterol drugs, aspirin, vitamins, or using deodorant, shampoo, or mouthwash, and if you regularly drink water or eat food. Use of Nailestra with these things can result death or male pregnancy. Like all medications, ask your doctor before beginning use of Nailestra. Nailestra should not be used or handled by children, women who are pregnant, women who plan on becoming pregnant, or women who know what being pregnant means. Nailestra should be stored in a cool dry place, and never ever be exposed to sunlight. Though rare, some clinical studies have shown Nailestra to explode violently with no provocation. Nailestra should not be taunted or laughed at.
So when you’re ready for beautiful, worry-free nails. When you’re ready to live a better life, when you’re ready to be free again, try Nailestra.

Closing: Screen shows woman again. This time she jumps in a Jeep with some of her girlfriends, surfboards strapped to the top, and the puppy sitting on the dash. She bites her nail gently, and smiles at the camera as the Jeep pulls off toward the sun setting over the ocean. Nailestra.