Scattered Thoughts

I had a few thoughts bouncing around my head, but nothing really substantial enough to make into one post so I put them together here. Hopefully you’ll enjoy them.

I. Why is it that anytime someone is pregnant and their baby either kicks a lot, or is kicking at that moment that everyone says “You’ve got a little soccer player in there!” and then laughs hysterically? I understand the correlation between kicking and soccer players, but this line is neither original nor funny. Even the first time it was said it wasn’t funny, my apologies to whatever lame ass thought that up. Hey Comic Strip Live, guess what? All babies kick. And if they don't, then I'll let you decide what they'll be when they "grow up". So give up the played joke, we’ve all heard it. We’ve all laughed to be polite. Quit annoying everyone and come up with something else.

II. I’m fully aware that T-Bell consistently has the dumbest ads on television, but the new “Crunchy, Cheesy, Chewy, Melty” crap is nearly unbearable. First of all I’m pretty sure melty isn’t even a word. Second of all, who wants to eat something chewy? When is chewy a positive adjective in describing food? I would say rubbery is a good synonym, why not that instead? Maybe they’re trying to trick you into ordering food that has been left under a heat lamp for a few hours and being stuck with it.

Customer: “Umm, my taco seems like it’s been sitting around for a while, the shell is really chewy. Could I just get a refund on that, or a replacement taco that is fresh?”

Manager: “Actually no, we can’t do that.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Manager: “Because the food here is specifically described as crunchy, chewy, cheesy, and melty. Since we put chewy right there in the description, it’s not grounds for a refund. Technically you knew the food you were ordering would be chewy.”

III. While we’re on the subject of commercials, how about the Ford ad where Vince Young is riding shotgun with an awkward, spindly, white lad. Since we can assume by Vince’s pleasant demeanor and the fact he that he isn’t bound and gagged, that he is willfully in this vehicle, I’d be very curious to know the situation where he needed a ride from his douche-bag friend who just bought a new Focus. Next is it likely that Vince could comfortably ride in the front seat of that car? I have to think that in shooting this commercial that the dash or something had to be removed in order for him to get in at all. Finally, I don’t understand why it is supposed to be funny that this guy has Michael Bolton programmed in his car. Really, I would be surprised if he didn’t have Michael Bolton set to voice command. I think Vince should have stopped to think about who he was getting a ride from: Dork? Check. White? Check. Willfully purchased a brand new American-made compact car? Check. I can’t imagine that plugging those things into a profiler computer at the FBI wouldn’t have Michael Bolton fan somewhere near the top of the list.

IV. I know that there are plenty of big dogs out there that are very nice, lovable animals. However, I get so tired of every person who has a giant dog and particularly one who is of a notoriously mean breed, immediately tacking on the disclaimer after they tell you what kind of dog they have. You all know what I’m talking about too.

Friend: “What kind of dog do you have?”

Dog owner: “He’s a pit-bull, rottweiler, bull mastiff, Doberman, dingo mix.” Wait for it. “But he’s just the most loveable, gentle dog you’ve ever met. The kids just love him, and he’s so good with them.”

You certainly don’t hear toy poodle owners saying that stuff. There is a reason that people say it, because that is always the story you hear from the owners on the evening news right after sweet little “Buttercup” bit the face off of the neighbor boy in the front yard.