Boner Pills

Well it’s time to address a commercial set that essentially defines the perceived intellect (see: idiot) of the average American television viewer. I’m talking about the ads for Viagra (I’ll get to this one in a minute) and Cialis specifically. I’m not sure who writes these, but I’m quite sure that they are only slightly more intelligent than whoever green-lights them into production. The Cialis ad is really incomprehensible. So you’re appealing to a group of (presumably) middle aged men who are (again, presumably) embarrassed about the fact that they can no longer achieve an erection. What way could they ease that embarrassment, and promote a product that can possibly improve their quality of life? I think that the best way is to portray something relatable. Something without too much “sex” in it, something that is palatable, even tasteful to viewers of all ages. How about we have an older couple (but not too old), in separate bathtubs with requisite porno-esque sound track, and no evidence of plumbing present, in a meadow overlooking a canyon? Wow. First of all, who in the hell is going to carry out buckets of water to the tubs out there. Second there is really no way to maintain a decent temperature in that water, so right there the mood is set with an icy bath. Third, how is a separate bath supposed to enhance the mood? Isn’t this how the overwhelming majority of baths are taken? Ah, but not outdoors next to each other (ding ding ding). Also, isn't the outdoor semi-public sex a bit kinky for the first go at it? Why not dip the toe in the pool first, and just try it in the bedroom? Next, what exactly is the fellow supposed to do when the Cialis kicks in? I mean, if he were adult film-industry worthy it’s possible (however extremely improbable) that he could throw it over into her tub like an anchor off of a sailboat. But, that would only work pre-Cialis, so it’s really a catch-22. Also, aren’t most people who have old bath tubs sitting in their yard expected to be missing most of their teeth and living in a home with wheels under it?
Or, briefly, how about where they are getting ready to test the efficacy of the Cialis only to have the kitchen sink break just as things are heating up? In reality, this couple has likely been married for some time, and a broken sink would just piss them off, possibly even result in a serious argument. Whatever, it’s unlikely that a quick trip to the toolbox would merely be a formality in their evening of passionate love-making.
Next is the granddaddy of them all. The Viva Viagra ads, these are truly classics. Every time one of these airs an imaginary Improbability Meter explodes. Let’s just set the scene for those who are unfamiliar. It’s a group of 50-somethings sitting around in a “jam” session, or possibly rehearsal for the band they comprise. In the middle of a “take-five” one of them quiets the room to start up a little something he’s been working on. This song is Viva Viagra, to the tune of the Elvis Presley hit about Las Vegas. Never mind that this is not Weird Al’s band, the other fellows love the idea. So much so, that they all immediately join in with a raucous impromptu jam about the fact that not one of them in the room can effectively procreate without a pharmaceutical intervention. I absolutely think this concept is through the roof on so many levels. I liken it to the pleasure I get from watch a scene acted by David Caruso (see below). Isn’t it likely that at minimum half of the guys there would start puffing their chests out with the ‘I’m still a man talk’? “I don’t know about you Marty, but I don’t need that shit. Believe me, Helen’s waitin’ for me to drill her at home right now.” “Yeah, I’m with Ted. While you’re at it Marty why don’t you write one called I Can’t Help Failing in Love and then we can change our band name to The Softdicks” (high fives exchanged). For all of you who love this as much as I do, I have a real treat for you. I was able, through one of my many connections, to obtain the full set of lyrics for this song. Enjoy.

Great big titties gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire.
I’d love to boink you like I’m 25
But my tip won’t move much higher
There’s a thousand pretty women waitin’ out there
But I can only flop it on their pubic hair
So Viva Viagra, Viva Viagra

How I wish I could get it up
For the piece of tail right here
But I’m about as firm as a piece of taffy
After drinking a case of beer
I’d like to have it get as hard as a rock
But instead it looks like an old sweat sock
So Viva Viagra, Viva Viagra

Viva, Viva, Viagra!